I had an awesome run tonight. It was a route mapped out in my neighborhood that I regularly walk, about 5K. Tonight, I ran 5.04K in 31:05:62. Are you freaking kidding me? I am so excited by these numbers, it means that I will more than likely be able to meet my goal of a sub 30 5K on my first race ever! May 29th is going to rock!
That wasn’t the only victory of the night. This next one is more of a personal one, but significant none the less. When I lost the baby in November 2010, it changed my life in ways I never thought possible. I was so sad all the time, and it is only now that I am starting to feel like my old self. One of the things that became associated with that horribly sad time was a song by ‘Florence and the Machine’. The song is called ‘The Dog Days are Over’, and it was one that I actually enjoyed until that day. Driving to the hospital while I was losing the baby, the song was playing on the radio. At the time, it gave me hope, it made me feel like I was worrying for nothing. Leaving the hospital 6 hours later (with Shane this time), the song was playing again. At this point, I was tired and scared, as I had to go back to the hospital in the morning and the cramping was getting much worse. I knew things weren’t good, but I was still trying to remain optimistic. 1:30 AM the next day, my baby died. Driving to the hospital for the second time, that damn song was playing on the radio. I had to turn it off at this point. All I could think was ‘FUCK YOU SONG, You lied.’ The next 24 hours were spent being poked, prodded and generally feeling humiliated at the battery of very personal questions and tests I was going through. The whole time that song was stuck in my head.
It felt so unfair, and I started hating that song from that day on. I have avoided it for months because of the association I had with it. That changed tonight on my run when it popped up on my ipod. I had forgotten I had loaded the song because I did it so long ago, and when it came on, I skipped it. But then, a thought occurred to me. The only way that I can keep healing and improving is to face up to the things that have caused pain and grief, I need to stop these things from dictating the course of my life. I turned the song back on and ran. It was cathartic, and I felt hopeful again. If I hadn’t done that, I don’t know if I would have finished my run.
It’s only a song, so I know that it probably doesn’t seem like such a big deal. For me, music is a huge part of my life, probably more than for the average person simply because of the job I have. This was a good step for me because it broke the hold that song had over a very sad period of my life. It’s all part of the healing process, and like I said before, I am getting back to my old self. I think it’s funny though how this song bothered me for a lot longer than seeing other pregnant women or women with babies used to. For me, it became another step in the right direction, the direction that will help me to be a strong, capable person who can handle the shit that life throws at her. And that is a huge victory indeed.